Try just *being* curious

23rd Nov ‘23

Dear coaches … instead of saying “I’m curious”, try *being* curious.

It’s just a thought, but it might be better for everyone.

Sadly, in my experience over the last few months, many of those who have signalled their ‘curiosity’ by saying that’s what they are have tended not to be curious at all. In fact, they’ve seemed to me to be the very opposite. They’ve tended to be trying to manoeuvre me into a position so they can deliver the line that formed for them five minutes ago, or move me on to the next bit of the session they planned before we started, or start the next bit of the model they’re trying to fit me in to.

It’s quite obvious when you’re being coached whether the coach is genuinely curious or not. You can sense it, because you’re likely to be curious too. You can also certainly feel when someone’s not curious; when it’s just something they’ve been told to say as part of their training, or as part of some half-baked effort to create a ‘coaching culture’.

When there is a genuine curiosity, however, you’re likely to feel like you’re part of the enquiry too; that the question being asked is the one that was forming on your tongue at the same time but which you just didn’t yet have the words for. Most of the good stuff that happens in a well-managed coaching session is co-created as an outcome of a dynamic relationship, including curiosity.

Or, as the late, great Edgar Schein put it: “What we ask, how we ask it, where we ask it, and when we ask it all matter. But the essence of humble inquiry goes beyond just overt questioning. The kind of inquiry I am talking about derives from an *attitude* of interest and curiosity. It implies a desire to build a relationship that will lead to open communication. Such an attitude is reflected in a variety of behaviours other than just the specific questions we ask. Sometimes we display through body language and silence a curiosity and level of interest that gets the other person talking even when we have said nothing.”